Love. Is there any other word out in the universe that holds such strong polar emotions? We’ve all been through some form of connection and heartbreak.
Over the years I’ve been through so many rejections that it seems perpetual now. The few dating experiences that ventured into my life have been brief at best, and long apart in years. I kept my faith up over time, telling myself “things will change,” and “you haven’t met the right person yet, etc”. But these days faith just isn’t strong enough. Yet giving up on love is difficult, because of a gnawing at my soul to share my life with someone, but optimism and faith can only go so far.
However the qualities of being single can be enjoyable: Eating and sleeping when I want, going places and pursing activities that I want and when I want, etc. But yet, that gnawing at my soul pulls at me relentlessly.
For almost twenty years I’ve been given the same tired advise, and over time it gets harder to swallow that medicine. Sometimes I want to scream when a friend offers the same old guidance. Their advise comes from a genuine place so I listen while secretly crying inside.
Seeing couples and the love they show one another saddens me terribly, and witnessing unrequited love venture in the arms of another stings a thousand time worse. I tell myself to be happy for them, and I am too, but still can’t help but feel a longing for what they have. The simple joy of holding hands, sharing activities, intimacy, etc. I also feel a sense of jealousy or envy for arguments within couples, and wonder if they truly know how fortunate they are to have such heated conversations.
I tried hiding the pain of loneliness, but to no avail. These days rather than hide it I let the pain wash over me, letting my vulnerability surface and surround me. But still it does not help, and the loneliness only becomes more painful each day.
When I was young and the first star in the sky shined upon the heavens, I’d wish upon that star to fall in love and be married, but now my wish is for the gnawing at my soul to be with someone to vanish along with my loneliness.